Washroom tales from Deloitte

People here at Deloitte have amazing toilet manners. By amazing I mean the one word equivalent of WTF. Over my stay of more than a year and a half I have got more than one tale to post here.

One day as I was trying to bring my huge sack of balls from out of my fly in my attempt to corrode the urinal with my acid pee, I heard a sound. BANG!PRRR! A guy standing next to me in his sword-ish mustache was smiling and apologizing "Sorry". "dude, what the fuck you mean sorry, you just farted, nobody ever says sorry after letting one rip, it's not a fucking sneeze or a cough in case you didn't know." I was thinking this while he let another one go, now with me as stunned as the Japanese, another sorry. I am WTF-ed at this --totally. I think probably the guy thought his asshole was his mouth and fart as cough or belch or something. It totally pisses me off when I see guys that don't even have the basic social manner with regards to fart. DUDE YOU JUST DON'T ADMIT IT -- EVER ! Even if you were alone in the room.

It has also come to my notice that dudes here like to listen to songs from their shitty phone while taking a crap. It probably acts as a lubricant for their rusty asshole. So next time you're peeing here you can listen to "aaja aaja.." while a guy totally annihilates the oxygen of toilet via his sorry farts.

Next in line are the talkative kind. You're pissing away your worries like being in the office and all, and suddenly an asshole comes right next to you and bang , "hi ! so how's the project coming up". God fuck them. Seriously, what is the problem with you guys, take a look at your tiny penis and kill yourself instead of thinking about my project. I'm saying "you" because I am pretty sure that the person reading this is guilty of such heinous crime.

I wish I could fart out fire and burn these assholes out here, so that the last thing they see in life would be my ass. Morons !

How Colin Bruce cheated me.

Sorry if you're reading this Colin, but there's no other way to say it-I want my fucking money back. I go to this big though totally lacking in quality bookstore-Odyssey-out of the crap-pile of books I found a decent looking title-The Einstein Paradox, well nothing great you'd say, me too, but here's the bash-the subtitle says And other Science Mysteries Solved by SHERLOCK HOLMES, man ! I almost had a boner. Sherlock Holmes and Physics that's gonna be wet dreams for sure.

I almost forgot about the book though because I was reading the cucumber nose of Rushdie, but then one day I had this massive hardon for detective fiction and what better than Mr. Holmes. So I pick up this book (Rs 545, yeah I still want it back) and rush through the first story, man what a let down, you expect that the smartest man in the world will comeup with some excellent theory about the murder and we'll all ejaculate in his honor but, I quote from the book "Holmes cursed and smote himself on the forehead and I doubtless looked as baffled as I felt." The "I" here is ofcourse the fucking moron Dr. Watson and Holmes is cursing himself because HE DIN'T SOLVE THE CASE, some Dr. Summerlee did. WTF!! Seriously, I didn't pay up that money to see Holmes balls kicked all over the place by some nutjob physicist.

I believe I have great forgiving power, because I read the next story from the book as well, and well, that did it. Holmes was not even working on the case, he sent Dr. fucking-moron-Watson on the voyage and Prof. challenger solved the mystery. Wowowowow I just got pwn3d.

The mysteries are also pathetic, I mean half of the time the author is explaining that why Earth is round and not flat, I mean come on if you wrote this book in 1910 (book was written in '97)then also this would have been truism. The time period this book aims at is 1905-1915, because he talk about Einstein's STR but at one place he also mentions through Prof Challenger "Come to think of it, the number of conserved quantities we know of is similar to the number of symmetries the universe is observed to possess. I wonder if there might be some deep link here" so he clearly doesn't know Noether's theorem, which sets the boundary at 1915.

Most of the time author is harping on very basic and elementary physics which totally drained my bodily fluids as this was not what I was looking from this book. I wanted SHERLOCK HOLMES and he and only he should solve the cases. Damn you Colin! I didn't go beyond the 2nd chapter.

* Colin Bruce is physicist living in Oxford and took the rights for Sherlock Holmes, Dr. Watson and Prof Challenger from some descendant of Doyle to royally screw Holmes.

Reminiscences

It's been a while I've seen the morning. I don't miss the moist sunlight through the leaves. I don't miss Pink Floyd or Kishore Kumar in the breeze coming through the cobwebs of my open window.  I don't miss my putting an old and dirty bed sheet to cover the light coming through. I don't miss having an omelette and puff after that. I miss sleeping after that.

 Why do I smile when I am out in the scorching sun? Why do I want to cover my face with a slim notebook when I don't have any? Why do I keep scribbling in the notepad? Why do I want to look hazy when I can be attentive?

I don't miss my small biscuit packets bought in night for the night, which were left unopened. I miss hiding them from others. I don't miss my past. I miss the trick to hide it. 

On emotions and paternal friendship.

Varanam Aayiram- it's a Tamil movie in case you have not heard of it. I saw it on recommendation of a friend because I usually consider myself as a man who's interested in world cinema and all that crap that one shouldn't really be interested in. I was even more interested in watching the movie because the recommendation came from the person who thought Requiem for a dream was a sick movie and who couldn't sit through David Fincher's Fight Club. I really wanted to see and feel what the fuck is a good movie after all.

As soon as the title credits begin I saw he amazingly creative Aaskar movies banner up. If this wasn't enough, it soon transformed into a retarded kid straight from the Parle-G cover along with his pedophile dad who has an incestuous smile on his face. The opening sequence begins and pretty soon it irritated me with it's on-off effect. The scenes were fading away at approximately every 10 seconds. Newsflash retards, you were not creating a subtle effect, you were plain irritating by doing that shit stuff. Anyways, the old fuck in the scene was having an attack of some sort and he was coughing blood, but of course with no visible pain on his already fucked up face. He almost coughed a bucket full of blood and then proceeded to bed with the help of her wife and bitch daughter. Very soon a doctor comes and in 2 minutes the old fuck dies, I thought at least this bit was good, old people dying in the beginning of a movie means we won't have shitty actors trying to portray old fucks when they fucking can't. 

The news of old fuck dying reaches the plane of Indian Air Force in which his son is on some retarded mission. when he gets the news he just sits down and all the other jackass soldiers come in a line to say sorry to him one by one as if they were collecting passes for a strip show. Assholes.

The movie runs in a flashback. The old fuck is now young bull and he proposes to his would be wife and even though the girl wanted to smash him but after seeing what a handsome fellow the young bull was she accepts. Now, if this guy with a binocular for specs is handsome then Woody Allen should be the handsome-st man since Paul Erdos. Anyways they get married even though young bull has no job, which I assume must be a common tradition in South India.

As the movie proceeds we see the father putting his finger up his poor son's ass on each occasion. Don't smoke, don't talk to girls in street, bring them home. Maybe the director/writer thought this would mean the father is open minded, like fuck. What will you talk to girls if you bring them home?  You can't talk sex in there and you certainly can't discuss Kieslowsky with them. They don't read Conrad and no girl has ever been in mathematics since Noether. So...may be they discussed weather? No ass, the girls actually discussed his fucking father, one says "look how smart and handsome he is" . Remember American Beauty? Only this is not meant to be taken that way, this is director's way to suggest the greatness of old fuck. What a disaster !

Anyways the movie keeps on pouring buckets of shit and when finally the guy is in his final year in college, he meets a girl (Sameera Reddy) in a train. Now this complete retard with an IQ of exactly (-)967 begins to thump his chest with his fist while keeping an eye on Sameera's boobs. All of us will normally hold our dick in our moments of hard-ons but anyways I'll give this one to him because maybe he fucks from his heart. But wait, the director then decides to show his thought process and guess what, this pervert was not  exactly thinking about girls and sex he was thinking how similar this girl looked to his mom and thus getting a boner. What a motherfucker, literally. But the girl gets impressed anyways by his thumping action because she's a jerk too. 

Then the tragedy happens, the girl has to go to USA for her MS in UCB (wow !) and the retarded pervert motherfucker is a jack in studies, but he decides to follow her anyways to US and goes to the Embassy for his visa. They ask him why does he wants to go to the US. Answer : " I love a girl and I want to woo her and bring her back and marry her." Result: " you are granted 5 years visa." I have had enough by now. To regain my wit I watched yet another slasher from 80s. Friday the 13th.