Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Washroom tales from Deloitte

People here at Deloitte have amazing toilet manners. By amazing I mean the one word equivalent of WTF. Over my stay of more than a year and a half I have got more than one tale to post here.

One day as I was trying to bring my huge sack of balls from out of my fly in my attempt to corrode the urinal with my acid pee, I heard a sound. BANG!PRRR! A guy standing next to me in his sword-ish mustache was smiling and apologizing "Sorry". "dude, what the fuck you mean sorry, you just farted, nobody ever says sorry after letting one rip, it's not a fucking sneeze or a cough in case you didn't know." I was thinking this while he let another one go, now with me as stunned as the Japanese, another sorry. I am WTF-ed at this --totally. I think probably the guy thought his asshole was his mouth and fart as cough or belch or something. It totally pisses me off when I see guys that don't even have the basic social manner with regards to fart. DUDE YOU JUST DON'T ADMIT IT -- EVER ! Even if you were alone in the room.

It has also come to my notice that dudes here like to listen to songs from their shitty phone while taking a crap. It probably acts as a lubricant for their rusty asshole. So next time you're peeing here you can listen to "aaja aaja.." while a guy totally annihilates the oxygen of toilet via his sorry farts.

Next in line are the talkative kind. You're pissing away your worries like being in the office and all, and suddenly an asshole comes right next to you and bang , "hi ! so how's the project coming up". God fuck them. Seriously, what is the problem with you guys, take a look at your tiny penis and kill yourself instead of thinking about my project. I'm saying "you" because I am pretty sure that the person reading this is guilty of such heinous crime.

I wish I could fart out fire and burn these assholes out here, so that the last thing they see in life would be my ass. Morons !

Monday, August 31, 2009

How Colin Bruce cheated me.

Sorry if you're reading this Colin, but there's no other way to say it-I want my fucking money back. I go to this big though totally lacking in quality bookstore-Odyssey-out of the crap-pile of books I found a decent looking title-The Einstein Paradox, well nothing great you'd say, me too, but here's the bash-the subtitle says And other Science Mysteries Solved by SHERLOCK HOLMES, man ! I almost had a boner. Sherlock Holmes and Physics that's gonna be wet dreams for sure.

I almost forgot about the book though because I was reading the cucumber nose of Rushdie, but then one day I had this massive hardon for detective fiction and what better than Mr. Holmes. So I pick up this book (Rs 545, yeah I still want it back) and rush through the first story, man what a let down, you expect that the smartest man in the world will comeup with some excellent theory about the murder and we'll all ejaculate in his honor but, I quote from the book "Holmes cursed and smote himself on the forehead and I doubtless looked as baffled as I felt." The "I" here is ofcourse the fucking moron Dr. Watson and Holmes is cursing himself because HE DIN'T SOLVE THE CASE, some Dr. Summerlee did. WTF!! Seriously, I didn't pay up that money to see Holmes balls kicked all over the place by some nutjob physicist.

I believe I have great forgiving power, because I read the next story from the book as well, and well, that did it. Holmes was not even working on the case, he sent Dr. fucking-moron-Watson on the voyage and Prof. challenger solved the mystery. Wowowowow I just got pwn3d.

The mysteries are also pathetic, I mean half of the time the author is explaining that why Earth is round and not flat, I mean come on if you wrote this book in 1910 (book was written in '97)then also this would have been truism. The time period this book aims at is 1905-1915, because he talk about Einstein's STR but at one place he also mentions through Prof Challenger "Come to think of it, the number of conserved quantities we know of is similar to the number of symmetries the universe is observed to possess. I wonder if there might be some deep link here" so he clearly doesn't know Noether's theorem, which sets the boundary at 1915.

Most of the time author is harping on very basic and elementary physics which totally drained my bodily fluids as this was not what I was looking from this book. I wanted SHERLOCK HOLMES and he and only he should solve the cases. Damn you Colin! I didn't go beyond the 2nd chapter.

* Colin Bruce is physicist living in Oxford and took the rights for Sherlock Holmes, Dr. Watson and Prof Challenger from some descendant of Doyle to royally screw Holmes.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Reminiscences

It's been a while I've seen the morning. I don't miss the moist sunlight through the leaves. I don't miss Pink Floyd or Kishore Kumar in the breeze coming through the cobwebs of my open window.  I don't miss my putting an old and dirty bed sheet to cover the light coming through. I don't miss having an omelette and puff after that. I miss sleeping after that.

 Why do I smile when I am out in the scorching sun? Why do I want to cover my face with a slim notebook when I don't have any? Why do I keep scribbling in the notepad? Why do I want to look hazy when I can be attentive?

I don't miss my small biscuit packets bought in night for the night, which were left unopened. I miss hiding them from others. I don't miss my past. I miss the trick to hide it. 

Thursday, January 29, 2009

On emotions and paternal friendship.

Varanam Aayiram- it's a Tamil movie in case you have not heard of it. I saw it on recommendation of a friend because I usually consider myself as a man who's interested in world cinema and all that crap that one shouldn't really be interested in. I was even more interested in watching the movie because the recommendation came from the person who thought Requiem for a dream was a sick movie and who couldn't sit through David Fincher's Fight Club. I really wanted to see and feel what the fuck is a good movie after all.

As soon as the title credits begin I saw he amazingly creative Aaskar movies banner up. If this wasn't enough, it soon transformed into a retarded kid straight from the Parle-G cover along with his pedophile dad who has an incestuous smile on his face. The opening sequence begins and pretty soon it irritated me with it's on-off effect. The scenes were fading away at approximately every 10 seconds. Newsflash retards, you were not creating a subtle effect, you were plain irritating by doing that shit stuff. Anyways, the old fuck in the scene was having an attack of some sort and he was coughing blood, but of course with no visible pain on his already fucked up face. He almost coughed a bucket full of blood and then proceeded to bed with the help of her wife and bitch daughter. Very soon a doctor comes and in 2 minutes the old fuck dies, I thought at least this bit was good, old people dying in the beginning of a movie means we won't have shitty actors trying to portray old fucks when they fucking can't. 

The news of old fuck dying reaches the plane of Indian Air Force in which his son is on some retarded mission. when he gets the news he just sits down and all the other jackass soldiers come in a line to say sorry to him one by one as if they were collecting passes for a strip show. Assholes.

The movie runs in a flashback. The old fuck is now young bull and he proposes to his would be wife and even though the girl wanted to smash him but after seeing what a handsome fellow the young bull was she accepts. Now, if this guy with a binocular for specs is handsome then Woody Allen should be the handsome-st man since Paul Erdos. Anyways they get married even though young bull has no job, which I assume must be a common tradition in South India.

As the movie proceeds we see the father putting his finger up his poor son's ass on each occasion. Don't smoke, don't talk to girls in street, bring them home. Maybe the director/writer thought this would mean the father is open minded, like fuck. What will you talk to girls if you bring them home?  You can't talk sex in there and you certainly can't discuss Kieslowsky with them. They don't read Conrad and no girl has ever been in mathematics since Noether. So...may be they discussed weather? No ass, the girls actually discussed his fucking father, one says "look how smart and handsome he is" . Remember American Beauty? Only this is not meant to be taken that way, this is director's way to suggest the greatness of old fuck. What a disaster !

Anyways the movie keeps on pouring buckets of shit and when finally the guy is in his final year in college, he meets a girl (Sameera Reddy) in a train. Now this complete retard with an IQ of exactly (-)967 begins to thump his chest with his fist while keeping an eye on Sameera's boobs. All of us will normally hold our dick in our moments of hard-ons but anyways I'll give this one to him because maybe he fucks from his heart. But wait, the director then decides to show his thought process and guess what, this pervert was not  exactly thinking about girls and sex he was thinking how similar this girl looked to his mom and thus getting a boner. What a motherfucker, literally. But the girl gets impressed anyways by his thumping action because she's a jerk too. 

Then the tragedy happens, the girl has to go to USA for her MS in UCB (wow !) and the retarded pervert motherfucker is a jack in studies, but he decides to follow her anyways to US and goes to the Embassy for his visa. They ask him why does he wants to go to the US. Answer : " I love a girl and I want to woo her and bring her back and marry her." Result: " you are granted 5 years visa." I have had enough by now. To regain my wit I watched yet another slasher from 80s. Friday the 13th.


Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Return of God

If Jesus was the illegitimate son of God Himesh is the father of God. If Christians feel offended they can shove the cross up their ass for all I care. Feeling offended is anyways gay. I can't express the joy in words  I felt after watching Prabhu's movie Karzzzz even though I'm such a big fucking writer. The last time I felt so good was perhaps when I discovered that dick can be used for things other than lousy pee. Before that I always thought why God wasted my 12 inches of meat for such a thing.

Prabhu kicks ass. Lets have a look at the asses Prabhu has kicked in this movie. Kicking that loser fatass dumb loser Rishi Kapoor out of competition was cakewalk. I was in fact surprised that Prabhu decided to base his epic on that bastard's junk movie but perhaps he and his family gave a super blowjob to Prabhu to make this remake. But Prabhu transformed that junk into what can be the new motion Bible (for Kuran is too fucking retarded anyways). The other ass that Prabhu kicked was of dead Kishore Kumar. The way Prabhu sang 'ek haseena thi..' must have made KK reach orgasmic pleasure in his grave or what ever trashcan he is right now in. His non achieving sad soul must be now ecstatic that Prabhu gave voice to his song. 

The movie begins with a loser Dino Morea or whatever his name  winning a case against a don who uses some alien device to communicate.  The device was a stroke of genius from the director Satish Kaushik, it produces music and his men translate that into words. Brilliant, period. Now Dino, the asshole marries a 3000 years old witch Urmila. Urmila is a muse of the don and she rightly kills the asshole Dino by jumping off a plane after  damaging its fuel tank or something, because she's a witch so with her 3000 years of experience she can do it. 

After the bastard dies, his mother comes and cries, that is the second best emotion fucking scene of the movie. The best of course also involves the mother but the best couldn't be complete without Prabhu. So anyways this part ends.

Now Prabu enters with a damn good song. He's rightly  shown an  adopted orphan to avoid future claim right conflicts. He instantly falls in love with a bitch who is completely mad about Monty the rock star Prabhu is playing. Prabhu is very alone in his life and wants a break in his life after  a dream in which he witnesses his previous life.   That is irrelevant ofcourse because his actual purpose is to find the bitch in Kenya. He goes and as soon as he lands he finds her. Need more proof of his Godliness ? 

Anyways after that he meets the 'guardian' of bitch, which incidentally turns out to be the same 3000 years old witch Urmila. I won't tell the story after this for I want you to watch the fucking movie.   I would also like to mention a few words on the genius of Satish Kaushik. The part designed and played by Danny D-something was awesome. I laughed my ass out, literally. For whole two days I went rolling on the floor. But nobody beats Prabhu in his comic timing, the scene where he's trying to show off as his own duplicate, I mean what a genius concept, I actually shit my pants laughing, I swear. I haven't even washed them for I don't want to kill the smell of Prabhu's humor.

Oh and I forgot to tell you about the most emotion fucking scene, where Prabhu goes back to his mom, she immediately recognizes him as his son maybe from the familiar Godly odor or something. Then they cry. And Cry. And cry. what director probably missed was thunder and rain in the scene. For heavens must also have cried during shooting. I cried, and that is enough to prove that it is the most emotional scene ever to hit silver screen. For the only other time I ever cried was while watching Prabhu's first movie Aap ka Suroor. I never even cried as a child I was just pissed off and cursed people. They are anyways full of shit. 

A sore point of the movie would be it's climax, I always thought that that musical communication device must have something to do with the don getting kicked  in the end (ala Aap Ka Suroor) for Prabhu is the father of  Mozart, but director had other ideas. Anyways Prabhu flying and kicking ala Neo-wooden-face-asshole was majestic. Anyways, then final shot where the 3000 years old witch finally dies in a crash which is brilliantly triggered off by Prabhu more than makes up for it. 

Some people said after watching the movie that Urmila doesn't quite look double the age of Prabhu as shown in the picture. These sons of bitches miss the complete  point of the movie. They must die. With worms and leaches on their body. Assholes !

Friday, May 9, 2008

A corporate party

A Corporate party

[scene 1]
HR Manager: Hello new recruits, you don't know how happy I'm to see you all here. You must be feeling so fucking proud being the part of this great organization. You've finally achieved something in your miserable life. Kindly applause, dicks.

[Loud applause]

HRM: So since we're all in this mutual masturbation party, I'd like all of you to please introduce yourelf. But waiiit [with a pedo smile] I guess introducing yourself just like that wont be fun, so to make things suck harder we have thought about a big gay game.Kindly applause , dicks.

[Thundering applause from all corners, all the new dipshit recruits feel so excited]

HRM: So the game is I have this bag full of paper chits which all have a letter. Now all of you would be given a letter to start with. what you have got to do is to ask your fellow new recruit to ask YOU a fucking question and if he/she feels satisfied with you answer he/she may pass over his/her letter to you. Finally the person with his/her full name given in letters will win. In this way you will get to know more about your colleagues as well. What a great idea. Got it, faggots?

a recruit: No sir, demo please.

HRM : Okay retard here's a demo.

[demo takes place]

KS: Dude this thing will suck ass, isn't it?

Fellow recruit: Why? I think this is a great way to know each other.

KS: What? Fuck , I don't want to know anybody. You all suck so hard !

HRM: So let's begin ! Hurray !

KS: Goddamnit

Fellow recruit: Hey fella ! So which letter have you got?

KS: Like always I have a 'F'

Fellow recruit: Kewl ! Ask me a question.

KS: what does your sister look like?

Fellow recruit: What ? Come again?

KS: Do you have a sister?

Fellow recruit: Yes , she's in 3rd grade.

KS: Oh okay okay. Look technically you fail to satisfy me, so I can't give you this letter. Buzz off.

Another Fellow recruit:Dude ask me something.

KS: Do you think this party sucks?

Fellow recruit: No dude , I'm having the time of my life.

KS: Unsatisfactory ! Lay off.

HRM: Hey KS, how come you're stuck with your first letter. Come talk to this girl.

KS: No. She's ....ugly !

HRM: But you've got to mingle !

KS: Okay okay.

Ks: Hi ask me a question.

Girl: Hi. Do you know my name?

KS: No.

Girl: Any guesses.

KS: Oh I can make a thousand guesses [bitch] but the sexual harassment laws are pretty strict. Look do one favor, take this slip off me and find another dick.

Girl: But...

Ks: hey look, it's over. Somebody has won. Thank God.

[Scene 2]

HRM: Okay after the mega success of our show meet the retards, here we are back again with yet another stupid game before the booze party.

Ks: hell no !

HRM: yes so all you have got to do is to take this large chart paper and depict your everyday self in this only in picture, remember, no words allowed. Then after that we will all try to guess what you are like.

Recruit 1: Here I am.

HRm: Okay so this looks like a seed then a small plant then a big tree then a cloud. Interesting, very interesting. Any guesses?

KS: I guess his father is a poor farmer but and he's looking up to the sky for rain.

Recruit 1: No. This is my success story. You see from a little seed I grew up to be a plant finally tree and in the end I'll touch sky.

KS: So touchy. How does the tree like becomes a cloud?

Recruit 1: It's all perception.

HRM: very well , great idea.

Recruit 2: [ three bald people with pedo-smile with hands on shoulders]

Somebody: He's gay !

Recruit 2: No, I'm friendly.

KS: What's the fucking difference?

Recruit 3: [A big computer screen and something is being downloaded]

Somebody: He likes porn and downloads it all the time.

Recruit : No I download movies.

Somebody: What kind of movies?

Recruit: Oh movies like Sweet november, a walk to remember, Titanic, Serendipity.

Ks: Oh we totally overestimated you.

KS: [iPod, books, a liquor bottle]

HRM and others: Oh great what alcohol is that?

KS: Ethyl alcohol.

Somebody : No I mean what brand.

KS: Jack Daniels. Though I only have it once every six months but for you I'll have it everyday, who cares.

HRM: So you must be very happy to join our organization, we like to have absinthe every now and then.

KS: Oh ...like...really?

HRM: Yeah. Just wait for the booze party.

[after an hour booze party begins]

KS: [to bartender] So what have you got.

Bartender: Pina colada, pista colada,[blah blah..crap crap] and kingfisher lites.

KS: what?? Kingfisher ? Fuck you all ! Goddamnit. You all suck !

Friday, April 25, 2008

The BBC documentary on IIT

http://youtube.com/watch?v=mJuSL96MIkU
oh look look he's an IITian. Holy shit, he must be a fucking genius. I bet he must be working his ass for 16 hours a day. Crap ! Crap ! Crap !

This piece of shitty BBC documentary tries to misguide the retarded world into believing what valuable assets IITians are which obviously they're not.
The best part in this shitbag is the portion where a stupid old hag questions 4 asswipe.

Blond hag: So did you get you photo published in the newspaper after you qualified JEE?
little prick: ~Yes~
BIG DEAL puke !
He says this with the mushiest smile I've seen ever. It was almost a pedo-smile
http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/images/pedosmile1.jpg
[courtesy

: maddox.xmission.com]

Another prick also mentions that how almost every IITian goes to the states as if it is such a big fucking deal !BBC sucks.

Then comes the fascist Infosys founder, Narayan Murthy. Now mind you he's an MTech from IIT. If you know what MTechs are like in IIT you already know where his shit is heading too. All MTechs suck. Period.
So this IT guru or whatever people call him first tries to cry for brain drain. Mind you his shitty company pays people far less than the minimum wage. Then he talks about how his incompetent son was unable to get into an IIT and thus took Cornell as a substitute as if IITs are so much superior than Cornell which obviously they're NOT. Even the best students from IITs don't get a schol in Cornell. Way to go, ignorant jerk.

Then comes this fathead who tells the old hag that students in India begin to prepare for IIT from age 8-10. Maybe he thought the question was about child marriage in Rajasthan. Where do these people get their information from?
The only understatement in the whole story was that only 90% of the population here is male.

The bottom line is : IITs suck. IITian are not genius. In fact some of the most retarded people I've met have been from IIT. Not to say that people from outside IIT suck too. People suck. All of them.